Enough already, right? I've handwritten a bit of this story, wrote a series of stories from different perspectives, and told the tale to those that ask. For a while I thought that I was done, but it turns out I do need to write about it. I've tried a couple times, spent a lot of energy editing the first paragraph, and experienced writer's block. You'd think I could just write down what happened but this experience was indescribably intense. It's hard to know how much to share, but I really want a record, in my own words. That night, or morning I suppose, was one of the most emotional times of my life. I experienced everything from fear to peace, unpreparedness to confidence, pain to euphoria, and all the emotions in between.
On Wednesday, the 15th, I took a nap, went out to lunch with Jason, and hung out with my mom and sister. It was a normal day. That night Mason woke up around 1am asking for milk. We usually only give him water at night but it didn't seem like a big deal so we headed to the kitchen. I felt a strange little sensation when I walked so I called out for Jason to take over with Mason and get him back into bed. I felt sort of sick, like I was going to throw up. I went back to bed, this time putting down an extra towel, just in case. I must have complained about feeling sick a couple of times because Jason brought me a piece of bread at 3am. I remember getting up and going to the bathroom several times. I just didn't feel good. I started having Braxton Hicks contractions, but I'd experienced them so much during the last few weeks that I still really didn't think "this is it". I figured I'd simply wait and see what happened and if my water broke or something then we'd head in to be checked.
I found out that soaking in a warm bath helps ease the tension and discomfort of false contractions so around 3:30 I abandoned hopes of sleep and filled the tub. I got in and it seemed like as soon as I leaned back I was hit with a really hard contraction. Really really hard. I called out for Jason. He came in and I asked him to write down the time. He did and waited for me to decide how to proceed. I couldn't believe how much it hurt. The next contraction came just three minutes later and it was bad. I realized I was in labor and we needed to get going quickly! I told him to start loading up and call my mom to have her take over Mason duty. I was in the tub for three more contractions. While I was in there I was really scared. I had big plans for this birth. I was set on having him naturally and wanted to be really involved as well. The pain of these contractions was insane. I began to have real doubts about being able to continue on for hours with this level of pain. I did not remember the early stages of labor being so intense with Mason. I remembered reading that you can't walk or talk during real labor so I quietly sang "I am a child of God" during each of those contractions. I was pleased that the pain only lasted as long as each of the quickly whispered verses.
Jason had woken up my mom and they decided that the fastest way to get to the hospital would be to drop Mason off at her house on the way. As I could manage I called out additional items I knew we needed and other little directions. To Jason's credit he was moving fast. He took a trip out to warm up the car. I moved into the bedroom to try to get dressed so we could go. I knelt at the foot of the bed, leaning against it for support, and prayed. At this point time slowed wayyyy down. When the contractions came I used counter -pressure on my lower back and had a lot of relief. Jason took our bags out to the car and while he was gone the pain really changed. As I knelt there I had a hyper-awareness of my body. The contractions changed and I felt a need to push. I did not want to push. I pushed for two hours with Mason and it was pretty horrible. I remembered a couple lines from a book my midwife gave me. "There is a difference between pain and suffering". I was obviously in pain, but in that moment I calmed down. I told myself to take control, that my body knew what to do, and I knew how to experience this without suffering. I started swaying back and forth on my knees and alternating between counter-pressure and grasping my own hands to avoid pushing. A heavy calm filled the room. I no longer felt the need to cry out with pain, just to breathe and be quiet. Another tip from the book popped into mind: to focus in on the pain. So I did. At one moment I distinctly felt the bones of my body move in preparation of the baby's descent. I don't remember pain after this point. The pushing feeling was overwhelming but I wouldn't describe it as pain. Jason took Mason out to the car and I was struck by the realization that I wasn't going to be able to walk from the emergency room entrance to the OB ward. Shortly, I would discover that I couldn't walk at all.
When Jason came in to get me I was still on my knees, deeply focused on breathing. He said "It's time to go". He reached out and helped me to my feet. As I stood I was aware of a great change in my body. It was an alignment of sorts. I knew without a doubt that as I rose, everything was moving into place. I felt like I should keep going and as Jason supported me I went up onto my toes. At that moment I realized the baby was coming. As I came down from the
demi pointe releve I felt the baby crowning. I looked Jason in the face and told him to bring Mason back in from the car, to get me some towels, and call and ambulance. From the bath to this point was about 25 minutes.
He threw some towels in the room and went out to get Mason. When I was all alone I tried to get back down on the ground and felt the baby's head coming out and then suddenly his head was out! I tried to support his head but I couldn't tell where his face was. Time froze and I didn't know what to do. I felt so unprepared. I should have done more reading and research about home births, just in case. We have several friends and family members that choose to do this. But they are prepared. I wasn't. And I didn't know what to do to get his shoulders out. I started feeling so scared. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And then his shoulders were just out. And then he was here! I called out to Jason "he's here" and laid him on the floor. At this point the calm kicked back in. I noticed the cord was wrapped around his neck and across his face. I unwrapped it and covered him in a towel and checked his breathing. Jason, in the meantime had called 911 and was on the phone, holding Mason, when he came back in and saw his new baby had arrived. Eli wasn't making much noise and oh, how I wanted him to cry out. I asked Jason for the bulb syringe and he handed it to me right away. (Later I asked him where he had found it since I didn't even know where it was. He doesn't remember even giving it to me.) While I suctioned out Eli's nose and mouth, Jason was on the phone with dispatch. They told him to tie a cord off with a shoelace. I heard him ask if it needed to be clean. Turns out he was trying to hold it together and stay calm and was staring at his brand new pair of basketball shoes debating if he should use those laces or not. He ended up grabbing a old shoelace off his classic white Adidas shoes. About that time some police officers arrived. They saw the baby was already delivered and from the doorway blurted words of encouragement and assured us help was on the way. The paramedics arrived. They clamped off the cord better and went to cut it. I asked if I could and she let me. One lady took Eli up on the bed and checked him out and finally got a good cry out of him. The other kept trying to give me an IV, take my blood pressure, and told me to lay down. I did not want anything to do with any of those things. I opted to stay on my knees as the contractions started up again. With Mason this part went by unnoticed. This time around I had strong, painful contractions. I sent Jason for a bowl and when he brought it in I had delivered the afterbirth. "Here it is" I said. "What?" was the paramedic's response. "The placenta" I said while thinking: pay attention people, and I put it in the bowl. They gave Eli back to me so I could hold him and warm him up and nurse. Mason had been crying because he felt all alone outside the room so we brought him in and he was content. The policemen gave him a stuffed bear and a toy car and he was happy as could be. My parents arrived before the lost ambulance found it's way to our house. As we were getting everything taken care of I started to shake. Thinking back on what had just happened I said "I think I skipped a couple steps". I had been waiting for that distinct water-breaking sensation. I didn't ever push either.
They wanted to get us to the hospital right away. They tried bringing the stretcher into the master bedroom but it couldn't make the last turn. I got some clothes on and just walked down the hall. and got on it., feeling kind of silly. Although I felt really good, I couldn't stop shaking, and I was so hungry. When I was getting all situated on the stretcher I handed my mom my ice pack and said "trade you for a banana". She went and got me one from the kitchen because moms are understanding like that. They suggested I refrain from eating but it seemed like a darn good idea to me. They strapped me down in several places and I'll admit I started panicking. I don't like being restrained, even IVs make me anxious. Then they started pushing me out the door. It was raining out and we have three steps. I was sure we were going to tip over and I couldn't even get my arms loose to break the fall. We made it to the ambulance just fine but as soon as they shut the door I yelled "where's my husband?". They said he was up front where the seat belts are. I spent the rest of the ride trying to go back to the calm place in my mind from earlier, but I was going into shock and was not feeling calm at all. I didn't recognize the view out the window and for a while thought that we had gone to a different city. I tried not to cry but the events of the past hour hit me hard. I remember thinking, "Whoa, that was really scary."
When we got to the hospital the EMT ran Eli in to get him under the lights since he was so cold. We got situated quickly but our unusual arrival with the baby already delivered added some confusion to their normal routine. By the time my midwife was notified and arrived I was exhausted starving, and shaking like crazy. She tried massaging my stomach but when she even touched me I started freaking out. Poor lady has a broken shoulder but luckily her hurt side was the furthest from me. I knew I was acting crazy but I couldn't help it. Every time she touched me I pushed her away. I simultaneously grabbed at her arm and apologized over and over. Finally we all decided I needed some drugs to take the edge off. When that didn't work we doubled the dose. She assured me it was going to knock me out but it didn't do much more than calm me a bit. Finally Eli was warm enough that Jason could hold him. We couldn't rest; we were too wired from the whole ordeal. We ended up spending the next night at the hospital and by the following day we were begging to get discharged we were so bored. Jason went home to shower earlier and was so thoughtful and cleaned up everything in our room and cleaned the carpets. I know that was really hard for him to do, but it made such a difference. Coming home to the place of so much stress and emotion was hard enough with everything perfectly clean.
Going through such a quick labor was such a different experience from the baby before. With Mason I was sore, head to toe, and especially my arms from pushing. This time I felt great and was back to normal quickly other than stitches. We couldn't believe it had happened like that. Neither could anyone else. I sent a text to all my siblings saying "Whoops. Baby is here. Had him at home. Now we are at the hospital and everyone is fine". Most thought it was a joke.
Eli is really special baby. I am so glad he's here and that everything turned out okay. We've called him "Lucky" from the beginning and he's rightfully earned the nickname over and over. I feel so fortunate that we weren't in the car when he was born. Although I didn't really know what to do, my body did, and thankfully we could call for help. Although the experience was so intense, Jason kept remarking on how calm I was. I really think there were angels there helping us out.
I don't know how something can be so frightening, overwhelming, awesome, exhilarating, and spiritual all at the same time. But no matter the story, childbirth is all of those things. It changed me forever.
