Good day

Today was ordinary. It felt routine. Felt like life. And as I get ready for bed tonight in realizing I don't ever want to forget this day.

The day started too early for us as parents. Jason rolls out of bed hoping the clock is wrong. I get out of bed for what feels like the dozenth time to tend to one if the boys. It was a chilly morning and I let the big boys crawl into my bed and wedge their chilly feet under me. After a few precious minutes of dozing they choose breakfast over cartoons and we're up.

Throughout the day the kids rotate through my attention. Sometimes their needs feel choreographed and I accomplish one after another successfully. Other times it doesn't go as well. Like when Sam needs me and Mason wants an early lunch and suddenly Eli is announcing he wants to use the potty.

Jason called from work at 1:14. That is not a normal break time. I was worried he'd chopped his arm off. Dramatic I know but that was my reaction. It was a power outage and he was getting off early. Much much better news than dismemberment.

I unsuccessfully ran a few errands (once again: power outage= closed stores) while Mason still at school and the other boys were napping. Then I took Mace and Eli to get real haircuts. I knew it needed to be done as equally as I knew I'd regret it.

We grabbed dinner from the beloved pizza cart. Jason built a cozy fire and we spent the evening not doing anything specific other than spending time with our children.

The new normal is Mason goes to bed quickly and easily. Eli procrastinates and we let him charm us out of disciplining him. Sam is still unpredictable; he went to sleep well but will likely be up shortly.

Good day. Good night!

Preparing for winter

Tough, helpful, happy kids

Brothers

Mason, Eli, and Sam make me so happy. A boy is great, but a brother is something special.

I love that the boys love each other. Sure they also make each other mad and make each other cry... But they also make each other happy and make each other laugh.

I went down to check on the big boys last night. We have been trying out having Eli in a toddler bed Mason's room. They both seem to do better when the share a room. When I went in the room last night, Eli's bed was empty... But I found him curled up in bed with Mason.

Sam has the nursery to himself now so through the night I put him on there instead of the cradle in my room. I slept so much better. Looks likely we'll make it through another day.

Life is good.

Our boys

Smartie

I got a new phone. I'm most excited just to have a phone that holds a charge more than three hours.

There are other perks if course. Like when I'm up with Sam all night I have entertainment to keep me awake. And when he has a hard time calming down I just bust out a white noise app and we both zonk out to the calming sound of ocean waves.

And hopefully I'll keep up on blogging a bit better. I'm too busy lately to take many pictures but the new phone should help.

Here's my sweet babe:

Ah, technology.

How does it feel?

I've been asked this question a lot this past week. How does it feel to have the baby here? How does it feel to have three? How does it feel to not be pregnant? How does it feel?

I am a girl with big feelings and I don't have the words to do those feelings justice. Some words, inadequate words, that come to mind are happy, relieved, tired.

It feels right. Sam was meant to be in this family at this time. He is the right child for us. Jason and I are the right parents for him. I am so happy he's here.

sleep

I was just updating (yes, I do that every six months or so) the boys' blogs, each with a little story about sleep that I didn't want to forget.

Ah, sleep. I've never been good at it. As a mom I just accept it's part of my job to go without it. Even when the kids aren't actually waking me up, I spend those nights staying up thinking about them.

Lately, between a million bathroom breaks a night, checking on the kids, and having absolute freak out style anxiety about sleeping through a real contraction and not making it to the hospital in time,  I sleep mostly between four and seven. This means Jason is on his own for breakfast and leaves for work while I'm finally resting. This also means there are a lot of mornings when the kids sleep late that I do too. I am aware I should be up and could be getting a lot done in those precious minutes, but nothing seems more important than sleep. I also love the mornings because after laying down for that length of time I have very little pain anywhere and it's a nice break.

Here's the great parts of not sleeping (here's me trying to put a positive spin on something I desperately wish I didn't go without):
I get to enjoy being close to my husband for hours more than most wives.
I get to enjoy seeing my kids sleeping, which is one of the most beautiful things to witness.
I get to spend cute and somewhat strange time with the kids when they wake up in the night.
I get to enjoy peace and quiet in my house. Those things are absent during the day.
I get to read. I get to ponder.
I get crazy. Okay, not a positive but entertaining. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and have no idea what reality is because my groggy brain invented some really bizarre stuff during the night. 

I'm not really going anywhere with this post, so I think I will go to sleep (this means turn off all devices, cuddle up to J, and feel Tango squirm around for a while until he too falls asleep, then I just think for a while). I don't have many nights like this left and soon I'll be lamenting the fact that I ever stayed up on purpose.

because I actually laughed out loud

today

Today I woke up feeling sad. Really really sad. For no reason sad. Although my night hadn't been restful and full of vivid dreams that I now can't remember, this morning I couldn't think of why any of them would make me feel so low. I tried going back to sleep and when I got up I slid over and got out of Jason's side (the actual "wrong side of the bed"). Still sad.

After breakfast I told the boys that we were skipping chores. All they had to do was brush their teeth and we'd go to the park. Mason was overly grateful and profuse in his praise of my kindness. Eli just kept shouting "side side side" (meaning outside). Mace picked Park Discovery and I'm glad we headed over early since it was hot and getting hotter.

Here are the boys all flushed and sweaty:

My favorite parts of the morning:
When Mason was playing in the rocket ship and kept yelling "Three Two One Fire". I would correct him and say "Blast off" but he thought I was in my own rocket ship and we were just playing.

When Eli decided to play the Hug Game which is where he alternately hugs me and then Mason repeatedly. He gives the best toddler hugs in the world.

Next we went to Mom's to visit her, Amy and Jeff. We feasted on Mom's homemade wheat bread and strawberry jam. Ames watched the boys while I ran out for a bit and then I came back and fell asleep on Mom's couch while Eli finished his very long nap.

By the time we got home it was late afternoon. Janett and Brady brought Brylie over so they could head to the temple. I love watching her because she's darling and it's good practice. Mason was sweet with her and Eli was either jealous or oblivious of her presence at any given moment. Jason fell asleep with her in they recliner.

While at the park I realized how long it's been that I've been feeling sort of crummy and run down. It's been about six weeks. I know my immune system is lame, but that's a long time. I was able to get in to see a doctor who informed me that I have strep. Which likely means Jason, who has the same symptoms, has it too. Though we haven't been down and out, sick in bed, we've both had a lingering sore throat and low energy this whole time. We started antibiotics tonight and were careful around the baby. Moral of the story, don't wait six weeks and don't kiss boys.

So now it's (past) time for bed. I'm not sad anymore, just tired. Perhaps it was the sunshine that cheered me up, or all the hugs, or the homemade bread. Or the antibiotics.

I can't imagine waking up tomorrow anything but happy. Tomorrow is one of the best days of the year. I promise to write about it (and spend some time catching up on all my other past due posts). Here's a hint: It's a night full of my favorite things. Family. Root beer floats. and FIREWORKS!

You know things are bad when...

When you think "I'm never going to make it through this month. May is going to kill me off" and then look at the calendar and it's only April 29th. For the record, I made it. Bring it, June.

When your little four year old wakes you up to ask you to please help him take off his bike helmet. Great...except you didn't know he was riding his bike. Or that he was even outside. Or that you had fallen asleep...

When your husband makes you repeat the promise "not to start a batch of laundry until all the other clothes are folded". You know how some people have piles of dirty clothes? I have baskets of clean clothes. And in my mind they have expiration dates. After so many hours in the basket they become unclean. I have the impulse to wash them again. I am really good at doing laundry. I'm getting really bad at putting clean clothes away. Every time I sit down to fold a kid needs me desperately or I fall asleep (see above).

parenting means you do stuff

Like my very intelligent title? Sorry, it's the best I can do on the amount of sleep I'm getting.

I just wanted to record a few little thoughts this morning on parenting.

I'm not talking about the big hard decisions we make. I'm not talking about the truly heartbreaking ordeals that many parents go through. I'm talking about being a parent every day.

Like getting up. I'm not a morning person. I'd love to get up super early and have everything done before the family arises. But instead I sleep every extra minute I can. Jason is long gone for work by the time the kids stir. When the first one starts making noise, and this is usually Eli, I drag myself out of my insanely comfortable bed and we begin.

Sometimes I feel that the days are a blur; each one starting the same way: "morning sunshine" to a toddler who is so pleased to see me that he's giggling and flopping all over his crib. And my days end the same way: "night night little Starr" as I put him in his crib and he sighs in satisfaction and smiles. It feels like I'm always doing those two things, as if each bedtime just happened 30 minutes ago and the rest of the day was on fast forward.

Sometimes I feel that the days last forever. I love the saying, "parenting is composed of long days and short years". When the kids are in bed at night I find myself sitting, on the couch/bed/floor, just sitting trying to find enough energy to go to bed. It seems like those days are about 80 hours long.

As a parent, you do stuff. Like get up when you'd rather not and keep doing the same things over and over. Maybe some people easily do this on their own once they've 'grown up' but I know that for me, the kids push me a little more than I would otherwise push myself. And it's a hard and wonderful thing.

***

(long whiny story goes here)

Last night I went to work and then the grocery store. After talking to Amy for a while I came home and put away the food. Within five minutes the house was in an uproar. Eli was crying hard and I couldn't figure out know why. He woke up Jason, who is sick and was sent back to bed. Then Eli woke up Mason who started crying really really hard. I tried holding and comforting each son, but even with my ever expanding stomach separating them, they were not pleased to be sharing mommy with the other. I finally got hysterical Mason calm enough I could leave him long enough to get Eli a drink. After he drank about a gallon of milk he started up again. The familiar question "How am I ever going to do three?" ran through my head. Finally Eli begged for bed and I was able to focus on Mason. He said his eyes hurt, his throat hurt, his toes hurt. Mason, when feeling poorly, is a hard case. You'd think he was dying before your eyes. It's safe to say he is a wee bit dramatic. I finally calmed him down with a throat lozenge and a glow stick. When we went to put him in bed Eli woke up again. I'm pretty sure there are a half dozen really good reasons not to let your tiny children sleep with glow sticks but I couldn't think of one as they contentedly went back to sleep in their own radioactive glow. I got ready for bed and Jase woke up enough to see if everything was okay. I could tell he was really not feeling good, which is always concerning with him because he rarely gets sick. When he does it's something major. I rudely opted out of his embrace and spent the next 10 minutes rearranging pillows trying to find a position that didn't hurt my back, hips, or babe. Not easy to do. Finally found a comfortable arrangement when Mason started crying. Up again, helped him open his water bottle, and back to bed. When I stretched out this time, Little Mister Fetus decided it was time to Zumba. He's got some amazing moves. Even after he calmed down, I just couldn't sleep. I thought about all I need to do to go to the ranch this weekend, all I need to do for my calling in primary, all I need to do to organize our summer schedule, all I need to do to prepare for a new kid, all I need to do to end world hunger. Then I do what I often do and "run through the list". I start with my oldest sibling, consider how he is doing, how our relationship is doing, what I can do to help. Then I go on to the next one and the next one. Perhaps I should blame my insomnia on my parents for having so many kids.And now I have Jason's family to "run through" and my own kids as well.

This morning I don't remember much about Jason leaving, just that he was still feeling rough and telling him to take leftover chicken for lunch. Before I knew it I looked at the clock. Hours had sped by and Mason's school bus was minutes from arrival. THIS moment inspired this post. I thought, forget it. It's the second to last day of school. He's probably getting sick too. I am so darn tired. Let's just forget it. Then the parent in me thinks, do it. Get up and do it. He can do it if you help him. He loves school and it's where you've committed to send him.

Though it's sad dressing a four year old while he's still fast asleep and demonstrating the coordination of a rag doll, it's what I do most mornings anyway. This morning he was dressed and eating in two minutes. I slid on his shoes while his sleep heavy eyes examined his breakfast. He actually got ready so fast we had a few minutes to talk and cuddle. I was afraid he'd fall back asleep. Mason was abnormally sweet and it was nice to do this part of the day without screaming or fits. The bus' arrival ended our morning prayers and he went to the door saying "I love you mom". From the porch I always wave and then sign I LOVE YOU as the bus leaves. He did the same back and then let his little hand linger on the window. THIS little act made every struggle of the past 12 hours worth it.

Whoever says parenting is a thankless job is not paying attention.

Eli has slept in over an hour but now I can hear him talking and playing. I will go get him now, he'll act like it's Christmas to see me, and my heart will burst all over again.

My summary: Parenting means you do stuff. Especially when you don't want to. And the same stuff repeated a thousand times. And it's worth it. And I'm so grateful for every part of it.

Green toes, ways to die, and I'm really tired

I mowed the lawn yesterday. Front and back. With Jason protesting the whole time. With each row I alternated between love for spring and the outdoors and hate for who ever thought it was such a good idea to lay so much sod (it was me).

Favorite things about mowing the lawn: Being outside. Moving. Completing a task where you can clearly see what needs to be done, how to do it, witness your progress, and have such rewarding and immediate results. It's not laundry. The lovely smell. And that it makes my feet green.

I know you shouldn't mow bare footed or in flips but it completes the experience. So if you ever hear that all my toes were severed you can say "hm, musta been mowing the lawn silly girl". And if you ever hear I've been in a bizarre car wreck, just know it's because I sneezed. Sneezing while driving is so dangerous! I'm certain this will be the cause of my demise. This is something I think about almost daily. 

I want to be more active and enjoying this wonderful weather. But a little bit more than that, I'm really tired. Really really exhausted. And my back hurts. So do my hips. My abs are pretty much absent for the duration. I'll confess that I wake up every morning conspiring how I can sneak in a little more rest that day.

So why aren't you in bed, one might ask? Because sleeping at night is apparently not what this baby wants me to do. Ever. From the beginning I haven't been able to sleep at night. Then there was the bladder stage. Then the morning night sickness stage. Then the crazy hip pain stage which has lessened considerably. Now we have the "getting kinda big" stage mixed with the "why do I work such stupid hours" stage.

Somebody call the Waaaaambulance, right?

Actually I wanted to write this because I'm really excited for the 3am feeding stage. And then the learning to walk stage. And the copy everything big brothers do stage. And the wrestling and the teaching and the cuddling. And then, with all the kids we'll hit the "I don't need you Mom" stage and I will smile bravely and privately cry a little and still sneak in to peak at them at night. And then someday we'll hit the "Mom, I really need you"stage and I will smile lovingly and privately think "I know" and keep trying to be the best mom I know how to be.

On my mind

Mason (the son) hid the jelly beans from Jason (the father) so he wouldn't eat them all. I know Jase will read this so I shouldn't say it, but it's been so entertaining watching him search for the candy. I honestly don't know where they are and Jason really REALLY wants some jelly beans.

 

Today at the grocery store a woman told me that Eli was so darling he belonged on a cereal box. I guess that is how you know if you are cute, if you make an appearance on a cardboard container for processed/fortified breakfast food. It struck me as funny and I smirked for a good hour. Also, it's hard not to think you have the most gorgeous children when strangers are constantly gushing over them and commenting on their features. All. The. Time. 

 

I talked on the phone with my Uncle Larry for a very long time today. I know, without a doubt, I have the best family on earth. I need to make more of an effort to stay close and connected, but there are a lot of us and it's hard. I'm not joking when I say I have 4 reunions a summer plus two work weekends which are just like reunions but without a talent show. Actually, seeing the skills my Uncles have is pretty much like a talent show. (My dad has a talent for getting tractors stuck. I love that about him. Optimism proven.)

 

I love PB and J sandwiches, but lately just like them with one piece of bread. I went to type "open faced" but I wasn't sure that was a common term. In my family we have some strange terms. Don't worry, I Googled it and it's really something other people say too. So I love open faced PB & J sandwiches.

On another food topic, I heard it takes something like 50 gallons of sap to make one gallon of maple syrup. I don't know where I heard this but I have been feeling astonished ever since. 

Did you hear the one about the pilot that woke up from a nap and saw Venus and thought it was a plane coming towards him so he dramatically saved everyone on board by dive bombing the plane towards the ocean? (Ironically there was a plane below them and he could have caused a real collision).  This story has fascinated me and I keep looking into it. I now know a lot more about pilot rest regulations and star orbit patterns. Did you know if you are going to nap it's best to sleep less than 45 minutes or more than an hour and a half if you want to avoid a case of the groggies? And every night that I work I look at Venus and smile. Good one, Venus. 

 

I still love Bountiful Baskets. We eat a much greater variety of healthy foods than we would otherwise. This week will be a challenge to use everything we got. Usually there is one or maybe two unusual items. This week we have jicima and beets. Eli and I ate one of the mangoes today. He just kept chomping and smiling. I will eat the three artichokes alone. Poor me. I am SO very sad that no one else likes them. NOT. The pineapple and bananas still need a day or two. 

I need to post this story on Mason's blog but I'll put it here too. The other day we were reheating some stir fry for dinner. Mason started specifying what he wanted in his bowl. "Oh carrots, I love those kind. And lots of broccoli Mom. Broccoli is my favorite. And some protein!" he said, pointing to the chicken. 

 

I finished reading Esther's Children. I am struck by two things. One, I am so grateful to live in a time when we don't have to have the trial of disease with us as prominently as just a few decades ago. There were so many stories filled with typhoid, whopping cough, polio, and many unknowns. As a parent I always have a deep fear that it's something worse when a child gets sick. I can't imagine living with those kind of threats to life and health. I feel like my testimony of immunizations was strengthened! The other thing that I learned was the simple yet divine pattern of faith. Trial, prayer, answer. Tribulation, fasting, resolution. Illness, blessing, miracle. Story after story followed the pattern. 

This is the last night Mason will be three. At bedtime I told him stories about him when he was born and what I remembered about each birthday. He is so excited for tomorrow. He fell asleep smiling. (Then I fell asleep too. I am very grateful for a husband who will find me where ever I've passed out to wake me up so I can get to work on time. ) I could say how unbelievable it is that I have a child this old or how fast time has gone by. Really I just want to say how much I love him. I love getting to know him more each day. I am so excited to get to witness his development and life. I love the gradual growth and the sudden revelations.

And now that all of that is out of my head I think I will sleep a little better.

 

the need to read

(enjoy some images from pinterest)

 

This pin came with the caption "kindles don't have this kind of magic". While I agree, Lindsey lent me her's and it was pretty rockin'.

My midwife and I have a funny relationship. Most of the time we talk about alternative cooking methods, emergency preparedness, food storage calculators, cannery night, and our families. Sometimes we talk about babies. When I was expecting Eli we were talking about books along those same themes. I recommended Alas Babylon and The Patriots. She said if I wanted a really good read to check out the Great and Terrible Series. I told her I don't have time to read anymore, especially a whole series, so unless she put me on bed rest I'd just be putting that recommendation on my reading list.

About six months later we were at the ranch and Mariah had left her copy of the first book there. I stole it, devoured it, and was hooked. These books are great. It's hard to pull off "end of the world" meets "testimony builder" but Chris Stewart did a great job. As I starting passing around my copies I realized I needed to keep reading. Bring on Hunger Games series and One Second After to finish up the year.

As a mom I found that reading was something I felt I had to sacrifice. I felt I didn't have the time. I love to read and fondly think of the days when I was a newlywed in California and read a book a day. It may have been excessive but at least it wasn't, ahem, addictive shopping like some other wives were doing.

*want*

Even looking back I can't actually say I haven't read since having kids. It just feels that way. Most of my reading is scriptures or parenting books. You should see the collection of dang parenting books I have. You'd think I would have the best behaved children ever. Soooo not true.

Back to the point of this post. I've decided to keep reading in 2012. To make it a priority. It makes me happy and that's not selfish.  When I'm happy I'm a better mom. The house is cleaner (I play the "you can't read until the dishes are done" game).

I need correct perspective though. I think "I never read anymore" when actually do. I've decided to keep a list. My initial goal is just one book a month. It's not "one a day" but life has changed. And I probably shouldn't be reading instead of parenting, exercising, showering, writing, etc.

The best part of this has been that I haven't wasted time on reading anything not worth while. All came highly recommended by friends and family. I don't think I'd feel as good about reading if I was giving my time and attention to books that aren't uplifting or thought provoking (and I'll just go ahead and declare that's why I'm not interesting in Twilight. There, I said it.)

So without further ado: Here's what I've read so far.

(I wish)

I found The Survivors Club to be captivating. I trudged through In Arabian Nights but the journey was worth it. Enjoyed The Help. Was uplifted by Mama's Bank Account. Matched was, well, a match made in heaven. Crossed was good too and gave me a hankering to go hiking.


I'm currently finding truth in Simplicity Parenting and getting way too many ideas (including getting rid of toys and BOOKS of all things). I'm also reading from Esther's Children which is a family history book about my third great grandparents and their descendants. They crossed the plains pulling handcarts, were part of the muddy mission, and the United Order. Story after story is full of faith and miracles. Certain stories have really affected me. I can't stop thinking about the relative who had a boy, then two girls, then two twin girls. After feeling so blessed and full, all of her daughters were lost to whopping cough. Years later a new baby girl also contracted the illness and was brought back from the edge of death after a priesthood blessing. How much can one woman endure? Her story has brought perspective to my trivial parental complaints.

And that's the point. I don't want to read to escape, but to enhance the life I'm in. I still don't have the time I wish I had but I'll just take it out of my nonexistent blogging time :)

this week's excuse

I keep declaring "this is the week I'm going to get caught up on writing".
Let's see.
One week I got sick.
Last week Lindsey lent me a book I wanted to read.
This week Janett's house flooded- from the ceiling on down! Though they are the easiest house guests I have spent my spare time with baby Brylie and trying to imagine how in the world I'll ever handle three kids full time.

So I'm going to write a few quick things so that I have less catching up to do later.

I'm happy because I made a divine roast in my sun oven yesterday. House stayed cool. Energy was free. Food was delicious.
 
I'm tired because Mason woke up in the middle of the night (okay it was actually 11:30 so I was delighted to go back to sleep with hours of rest awaiting) acting like a total demon. As in growling and hissing his demands at me furiously. He was thirsty, but come on man, your approach is a little intense.

I'm sad because the garden isn't in. And with Jason working so much I think it's up to me. I will be very very sad if that means it's not going to happen.


I'm excited for our airport to get jets. Honestly I don't want to change aircraft and I'm very fond of the prop planes we have now. However this means my shift will change to where I'm not working at 4:30 am or getting off at midnight. I really look forward to getting more sleep.

I wish Jason was home more often. He's working overtime this week at first job and then going in to second job for three or so more hours. That's 6am to 8pm. And then sometimes I work evenings at either 8 or 10pm. This crazy schedule is temporary and I remind myself of that fact several times a day. I get especially sad when I put the kids to bed because some times that means Eli has only seen Jase when he comes home to change for about 15 minutes. It's only temporary. But I miss my husband.

Snapshot: busy busy April

I am writing...wait...this could be better.
I am "righting from the wrong" computer.
That alone starts me off in a funky "this isn't going to work" mood.
Also, the camera is dead, so this will be a picture free post, which I don't prefer.
Also, Jason is watching an interesting documentary right behind me so I am distracted.
I'm tired but I'm also tired of making myself feel guilty all the time about not recording life.
So here you go, Self, a grumpy little post with love from me to you.

This month has been nuts. I think I've been saying that since December. Perhaps since high school graduation actually.

Bro-in-law Joe was able to get a weekend home before he goes to Afghanistan. All of the Starr family converged at our house for the occasion. Also it was Easter. For one night we headed out to the desert for some early spring camping and adventuring. Though it was great fun it ended in stressful circumstances that I don't think I have the energy to expound on right now. Part of which included driving the Rhino out of the middle of no where for hours. That part was actually delightful but the cold and wind didn't help my cold much. I wish I had a better immune system. I get everything that goes around and then I'm sick forever. It's been over a week and this is the first day I feel human again.

Janett had her baby which was perfect timing with all the family in town. I love that we have room for everyone, but it got close this time. We used all but the last two bath towels. We received an exorbitant amount of towels when we were married so that's really saying something. Eva Dean stayed for the week to help with the baby. Let's be honest. That baby is a peach and hardly cries. Sometimes it's just nice to have extra time to hold babies and think about Life. Mason grew increasingly sad as each family member left.

Luckily, to cheer Mason, we were watching Jennifer's dog for the week while she visiting Jeff in AZ. I've contemplated getting a dog for the boys. They both love animals so much. This dog is especially convincing. However, it's hard to love a dog who you curse all night. She had rough nights and I think was homesick. I think we'll be waiting quite a while before we consider pets again.

This weekend was the Iron County Emergency Preparedness Expo. I was more excited for it than Christmas. Dad was on the committee, Dave was the key note speaker, and I had a booth promoting Bountiful Baskets. Though the event went a little long it was a great time. I get a bit spastic when it comes to gear anyway, but the emergency variety gets me especially giddy. On Wednesday I helped out with a Relief Society activity and did a mini workshop on 72 hour kits. It's certainly been a month focused on preparedness.

I felt like I had a lot more to write about but I guess that will pacify the guilt monster for now. I'm going to head to bed after peeking on the two little charmers across the hall.

Oh the joy, another BOY!

The third Starr boy will be making his grand entrance in August!

I'm unbelievably  

excited

happy

exhausted

overwhelmed

I only have two hands, so three kids is going to be a challenge. I was relieved to find out we're having a boy, at least we'll be in familiar territory. Hearing the news of "boy" felt just perfect.

I hardly can think of words to describe how I feel about this baby. I feel so aware of him, so bonded already. I wonder what he'll be like since the older boys were so opposite as babies. Can you have a third opposite? All I know is I keep thinking of the three amigos (and the song My Little Buttercup has been in my head nonstop) and how much I desire my sons to be best friends. 

 I love Jason's hand on my stomach pretending to feel the fluttering movement that can't be perceived from the outside. I love Mason's concern (Oh no, I don't know the new baby's name!) and his enthusiasm (daily: I am so excited for the new baby. I can't believe we're having THREE boys!). I love how Eli points out babies everywhere we go. He just about jumps for joy when near his new baby cousins. I feel a little sorrowful as I hold Eli at night and witness his vanishing infancy. I don't want him rushing into boyhood too soon. 

This pregnancy has been so different. I've not written as much as I should have, I am so very tired all the time. But Amigo has a blog of his own that I'll share soon. 

One thing I'm grateful to have learned~

I don't have to worry about having favorites.

I don't have to worry about having enough love. 

I don't have to worry about comparing my kids. 

After One, I learned about all consuming unconditional love. 

After having Two, I learned the infinite capacity of love. 

I can't wait to see what I'll learn with Three.

Just put it in the bag

This is what we worked on all weekend during General Conference. I didn't realized how out of date our 72 hour kits were until I pulled out Mason's and found diapers still inside. Then I opened ours and found food that had been expired for years. You'd think, growing up the way I did, I would have perfect 72 hour packs and be prepared for any disaster. I'm learning that it's a work in progress... and you can't stop working or preparing.


Though not perfected, I have come up with a good system to keep everything current and rotated. I started getting overwhelmed trying to find the best way to pack it all. After several calls and questions to my dad he gave me the best advice: "Just put it in the bag".

I still think it will be easier to organize once the boys are big enough to carry their own bags. I finally had to realize that one pack for all emergencies is pretty idealistic. One of my favorite achievements from this process is coming up with better basic car kit. We keep it in the closet and put it in whichever car we are headed out in for an adventure. It has all the basics and I've already used it a few times (and, here's the key, replaced what I used.)

My name is Ashley and I am a nerd.

Pine Grove Adventure Day

We spent the day out searching for a new place Jason had heard about. We explored the Wah Wahs and Indian Peaks and found some fun places to camp and explore. Our objective was to find the Pine Grove reservoir. The canyon is pretty with huge ponderosas and old mining buildings. We stopped there to picnic and climb around.  We drove until we were almost stuck and then tried some more.

We finally found the reservoir on the way out of the canyon.We'd missed it going up because I was pointing to something up on the mountain so we went right by it.

From here we could see across the valley to the Indian Peak mountain range.

(I spy Jason up in the trees)

Mason wants to know "is this cow poop?"

Poor Eli was still not feeling great. He slept most of the time.

Though Jase was hoping for Elk, I thought the antelope were awesome.  

 

When leaving the Pine Grove area Jason noticed one of our tires was low. We drove out to the main dirt road to change it. I was feeling proud of our level of preparedness, we packed extra blankets, food, water, and first aid supplies. One thing we didn't count on was a spare that didn't fit.  The surprise of not having a tire to switch out was quickly followed by the realization that we were really far out. We talked to some guys that drove by and then decided to slowly head out on the low tire. We went home a different way so that we weren't in the boon docks. We made it to the highway fine and it was still holding some air so we continued on. I texted Dad when the spotty cell service came through so he would know about where we were. Jason stopped at a ranch house and we were able to use an air compressor. The tire held all the way home and we felt lucky the problem wasn't worse. Poor Dad. He was all geared up and ready for a rescue.

All things considered it was a wonderful way to spend a spring Saturday.

vent

I give up. It's noon and I'm ready for this day to be over. Or maybe a do-over? I think I'll vent here so that when Jason gets home he will be spared from my drah-mah! I didn't sleep well. Woke up to a headache. Jason had early meetings so it's up to me to get myself and the boys to church before nine. It's not easy to do on a normal day but we also had a late night and Eli's been sick. I have to remember not to say the word hurry to Mason because he either goes into triple times slow motion or he just starts screaming. It's a crazy windy gray day so I didn't even do my hair after I showered and just let it go all Madusa like. I thought I actually pulled off an on time arrival. Then as I pulled out of the drive I realized the low tire from yesterday was completely flat. I put the boys in jackets and figured we'd walk. Jason called and came to the rescue, but we were late. Hey, the Starrs are finally here. Let's walk in late and sit in the front while the whole chapel waits and watches so the prayer can begin. Aaaand it's ward conference so the place is packed. Before I can catch my breath the boys are whining and wiggling and I'm losing hope. Eli is screaming soon so we're out in the hall. By the third hour I just quit. I pack up our bag and walk out. Then I remember I don't have a car. Well walking is good for you so we head to the trail. Too bad the shortcut to get to the trail is muddy. Shoes off. It doesn't matter. I finally think things are looking up when our infamous wind comes gusting into town. I'm certain I'm about to pull a "Marilyn" all the way home so I juggle Eli and my bad to one arm and try to hold my skirt down with the other without dropping my shoes or losing my sanity. We're almost to our street when Eli starts pulling on the hair at the back of my head. Why why why? When did he pick up that strange habit? I hope Jason remembers to pick up Mason from nursery.

I'm not sure that any of these things are particularly annoying. Shoot, that means it's me... nap time please.

a real snapshot of our life

I love coming across pictures on the camera that really capture our life. This one especially shows a lot about the men in my life.
Here's Jason. On a bike. Smiling. Being a good dad.
Here's Mason. Being silly. Wearing whatever he felt like putting on. Having fun.
Here's Eli. Crazy hair. Wanting to be part of the action. Growing up too fast.


I'm a lucky girl. 

Getting festive for St. Pats

The basement was finally ready for paint so we went bold and green for St. Patrick's. (These pictures tone down the "spring green" quite a bit.)

Just wait until you see what we paint for Easter!


{I spy Lightening McQueen underwear}

 

 

This is one of my favorite holidays so we had lots of fun getting ready throughout the week. We had company so I decided against the traditional corned beef, red potatoes, and cabbage. Instead we packed in tons of green veggies and had fajitas and quinoa salad. Oh, and spinach muffins but I had to fill them with pudding to encourage consumption.

I searched high and low for green punch. Not just any green punch but the kind from my childhood. It comes in a milk-style jug and tastes like melted popsicles. I've truly been craving it for years. I thought this would be the perfect occasion to indulge but alas, it was no where to be found. As I inquired at different grocery stores I gathered it may have been off the shelves for the years. I was tempted to buy as many green popsicles as I could find and try to recreate the flavor but gave in and just made lemonade. 

the boys

It's really hard to get pictures of both the boys. Inevitably one will be looking away or moving too fast or screaming at the other one for whatever reason. I tried and tried to get pictures of them. No success. So I waited until they were just hanging out. Mason is playing on the iPod; Eli is playing with my lens cap. You can see about half of each of their faces. Close enough.

Also, I love toes. 


I

I'll blog if you blog

Lindsey says we need to write more. I'll admit I am still catching up from last year and post dating like crazy. I have a lot of work to do. But I also pointed out that she hasn't really posted since returning to the states. Exactly, she says. So we blog.

For the record I hate the word blog. It sounds like a yucky cold symptom. As in "he sounded so blogged up when I talked to him on the phone." Or it could be a description for when you are feeling scrubby. As in "I ran to the store after working out. I looked like a total blog when I ran into an old boyfriend."

As usual though, I am having a hard time feeling inspired with this forced writing feeling. I have some good topics I want to write about, but I'm just not feeling it right now. So what else?

Well, for starters I am writing in the bathroom. (ew, that's so bloggy). Jason and Mason are out exploring in the rhino with the Johnson boys. Later they are all going to a basketball game at the University. I started trimming Eli's hair until I felt regretful and stopped. Now he's in the bath and I'm typing and supervising. Most people would see Eli and be of the opinion that his shaggy hair is still in need of a trim. At least now it's out of his eyes and not past his neck anymore. Eli started hating the bath a few days ago. Today I put him in first and then turned on the water. It seems to have done the trick and he's contentedly playing.

I can always write about food. I made Hawaiian haystacks last night for the first time. I've been craving leftovers all day. Actually all night as well. I worked until midnight and when I got home I had a serious debate with myself about eating again at that late hour. I guess I lost since I went to bed without. Janett and Brady came over for dinner and brought delicious homemade strawberry lemonade. It was amazing. I wonder if it is normal to love food so much.

A while back we had a Chinese dinner complete with chop sticks and fortune cookies. It is fun to have Mason grown up enough to be interested when I show him where China is on the map and to talk about different cultural things. Eli devoured each egg rolls in two bites. He is an eating machine.  Mason earnestly tried to use the chop sticks. He is so determined. They make dinner time entertaining, that is when I'm not pulling out my hair in frustration as Eli stuffs his face and makes a huge mess and Mason eats like a bird and just wants to be done.

*Eli is putting his face under the running water and then looking at me and acting shocked until I laugh. Then he smiles and laughs and does it again.*

Mason's favorite food is Otter Pops. He asks to have two, which I don't let him because one always melts and makes a mess. So now he asks for "two but one at a time". I can be okay with that. He will bring me an Otter Pop, scissors, and a wash cloth. My job is to cut it open and then wrap it up so his hands don't freeze.

Here's a food picture for you. We had extra cottage cheese left over from making stuffed shells. Eli had eaten everything else in the house so I dished some up for him. Cottage cheese is not a food I can eat plain and feeding him was making me gag. Mason offered to help out and cheerfully fed his little brother.

In unrelated news, I decided to give up being a slacker mom for Lent. It's a bit harder to track than other years when I've given up meat or chocolate but it needs to be done. The other day Mason came in while I was reading my scriptures and asked what I was reading about. "Robbers". What are they stealing, he asked. It suddenly occurred to me that he is old enough to read what I read, not just the basic scripture stories that we stick to. So he sat with me while I paraphrased each verse into understandable words. I decided we need to do it together every day. The next day we got to the part where the bad guy is hung in a tree. I hesitated there since that's pretty violent for a 3 year old. Mason didn't seem bothered by it, asked a couple questions, and then asked "then what?"

Mason likes the story of Samuel the Lamanite and will flip to that picture in his scriptures. He will show me the bad guys that are shooting arrows, laugh, and say "but they missed" like it's the biggest joke.

We went out to Three Peaks yesterday. Despite the rough offroading in the rhino, Mason quickly fell asleep in the back. Even Eli dozed off and on. After a couple hours we got out to play on the rocks. I love the cool rock formations we have in this area.

During one of my early psychology classes at college I learned about how Australian aborigines would just take off into the bush. Walkabouts, as they are called, involved few supplies, solitude, and introspection. They were both spiritual journeys and tests of survival. The goal was enlightenment and self actualization. Okay, I don't know how much of this is the white man's opinion on what was happening, but I fell in love with this idea and started planning my adventure. I picked an area out west of town in the desert and planned to be gone 3-4 days. I figured I'd take a knife and some kind of empty water container and that's it. I learned about edible plants, shelters, and how to create a green house effect on desert plants to create enough condensation to get drinking water. I added a plastic bag to my supply list. I spent time thinking about the dangers of rattlesnakes, big cats, and dehydration. I couldn't wait. And then- I didn't do it. I never actually decided against it. I simply didn't do it. I didn't make time for it or schedule it in. (side note: scheduling a walkabout is probably not how it's supposed to happen, but I didn't want to freak out my family, co workers, and roommates by just wandering off). Life went on. I got engaged, married, and then we started moving all over the nation. Had a baby. Then another.

Yesterday I sat on the knobby rock watching hawks float above me while the spring sun unsuccessfully tried to warm me up. I eyed a little indent in one of the rock formations and started planning on how I could turn it into a shelter if I had picked this spot as my temporary desert home. I considered a small muddy section of ground that was moistened by water seeping from the rock and wondered how late into the season it would stay wet. Suddenly I realized that I will never have my walkabout. I will never live alone in the desolation, even for a few days. I will not have hours of silence to think about my life and my purpose. This new life is the adventure I have chosen. And you don't wander away from your family in hopes of achieving some greater understanding of life. You stay in the trenches and grow in ways you never dreamed possible. I have discovered so much about myself by how I handle the 100th time a kid throws food across the room. I see the world so differently just by looking through a child's eyes. I hope someday my family will be interested in doing survival trips together. Until that day, just getting to church on time feels pretty extreme. 

I thought I was done on this topic but there is a little voice in my head that keeps whispering "But you did leave them. You do value your own adventures more than anything, even being together."

I don't know how to explain this, but it's partly true. I do leave sometimes. I didn't intentionally plan it this way, but when each of my babies was around 10 months old, I left. As in, out of the country left. When Mason was a baby we went to Ireland. And a few months back I left baby Eli and when to The Netherlands. Is it any different? I wouldn't say they were abandoned in any way. Both times my mom took the baby and this latest time Jason took Mason to a family reunion at the lake. I wouldn't even say that I "needed to get away". It was more like there was an opportunity that I didn't think would present itself again. Is it any different? Is traveling to the other side of the world any better than walking out into the wilderness? All things considered it might be safer to stay local and camp out compared to so much travel, transportation, strange cities, language barriers,  and sleeping in airports as I tried to get back. Is it any different? I like to think it is. Even though I do leave, I cannot wait to get back. I value adventure and travel, but not more than being together. When my family is not together it physically hurts. I suppose the question is will I do it again?

So there we go. Haircuts and boys. Food and robbers. Rocks and airplanes. That is a pretty good snapshot of my life. 

Three Peaks fun day

Jason got a half day off work. We wanted to make the most of the rare wonderful spring weather so we did our favorite thing: we headed out to explore.

We went to Three Peaks in the rhino. It was still pretty chilly so we did our best to bundle up the boys.  For most of the time Eli dozed while I wore him in a baby sling, covered in a coat and blanket.

When he was up and wanting to be looking around, we found the best way was to squish in the backseat while Jason drove (like a mad man). My job is to make sure they don't smash their melons together. I was surprised at how content the kids are when we are out driving around. Mason sleeps or just hangs out. They do really well. But every now and then they need to run around. After a while we stopped to stretch and we climbed around on rocks. Mason and Jason played Marco Polo and we laughed and laughed as Mason yelled "pollo", pronouncing it like you would in Spanish. By the end of the afternoon the boys just wanted to sit and throw rocks while we loaded up.

Quinns

Mason (and Eli of course) got a new baby cousin last week. Andy and Emily are the proud parent's of Little Avery Quinn. Mason is proud to share her middle name. Auntie Ashley is just bummed she had a cold the whole time they were in town and didn't get to hold her.

love Love Day

Valentines Day will forever be one of my favorite days of the year. Not the dumb commercial stuff or obligatory gifts. We skip that stuff and just focus on the LOVE.  I love it. I love telling people I love them. I have a lot of love going on. And as Mason often asks "why do we have so many families?".  I feel one of our biggest blessings is an abundance of people to love and to be loved by.

Love Mason's pure glee as he got his first class valentines. We made cute "smarty pants" valentines for him but I forgot to take a picture.

Love doing projects with the kids for every occasion. And double love the use of vegetables.

Love how a pad of heart shaped sticky notes is all it takes to 1. make a boy happy and 2. decorate the house.

Love monkeys. Of course.

Love food. This year we went for appetizers and made stuffed mushrooms, twice baked potatoes, deviled eggs, stuffed shells, and grilled eggplant. Some days you just need to use up the produce :)

And love babies in boots. Nothin' but boots.

Where are the pictures of my main man? I don't know. I think I have some good ones of him covered in drywall dust, which is his latest fashion. I'll post them in a bit.

Love to all,
ash

Kids, Weather, and Questions

One day they're playing with the neighbors in the snow... five days later...playing in the mud.

Ready?

Are you all alive?

 

Tasty?

Is it almost spring yet?
Is that my whisk?

Tasty??